THE FIRST 10 YEARS OF THE 21st CENTURYBy Jeff Lawrence
It's the end of a year and the end of a decade, so here at
V-Rag we've decided to cave in to the "reality television" of print media: the lowly top-ten list. But this isn't just any top ten list. From best to worst, here's a tongue-in-cheek look at the top ten years of the decade that was, ranked by the random events that took place in them. Because remember kids, it's never too early to start judging.
#1 - 2004This year was amazing. the best really, if only for one of the most confounding juxtapositions in the history of the universe:
Martha Stewart meets Alderson Federal Prison Camp. After being convicted of insider trading and sentenced to six months in the slammer, Stewart’s things were no longer quite good. But we all loved it, because what’s funnier than Martha Stewart in prison? We bet she had every badass lady criminal in there doing decoupage in less than a week. And it’s because of a similar event which happened to a much different personality that the next best year of the decade was…
#2 - 2007Why? Because this year, it was
Paris Hilton’s turn to work orange-jumpsuit-chic behind bars, albeit because she proved to everyone by drinking and driving that she was every bit the entitled heiress she was made out to be. C’mon, what sort of sick pleasure didn't you get from watching Hilton bawl her eyes out for having to spend less than a month at a facility in which she was sure to receive above-average treatment? Let’s face it, reality television has turned us into gleeful observers of misfortune, and this year was proof. Not hatin’, just sayin’.
#3 - 2002While this was a year of ups and downs, it definitely kept us entertained. Let’s recap.
Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes of super group
TLC dies in a car accident. This makes us sad.
Marc Hall, a gay Canadian Catholic school student, legally wins the right to take his boyfriend to the prom. This makes us happy.
President Bush sets into motion his “War On Terror”, which to this day has tallied over one million violent deaths in Iraq alone. This makes us very sad. The same year, said President, who had practically engineered the biggest war of our generation, chokes on a pretzel and faints. This makes us laugh for days. Looking back, 2002 was decent.
#4 - 2005 Let’s see. Well, 2005 gave us one of our favourite all-time celebrity couple abbreviations, more because of the crazy it represented:
TomKat. That’s
Tom Cruise and
Katie Holmes, for those of you who don’t appreciate high-profile meltdowns as much as the other 98% of the human population. We hope in the online history textbooks of the future that under “2005” there is a nice big
YouTube link to “Tom Cruise Kills Oprah”, which remains one of the greatest cinematic victories of our time. And just to balance the scales, listening to
“When The Levee Breaks” by
Led Zeppelin became a lot darker in 2005 thanks to the tragic flooding of New Orleans, not to mention Katrina and the fucking Waves. Walking On Sunshine? Not anymore.
#5 - 2003Depending on how you look back on it, this is either a great year or one of the worst, and that's why it's smack dab in the middle of our list. That’s because this was the year Vancouver, B.C., was chosen as host city for the
2010 Winter Olympics. On the one hand, millions of dollars that may have benefited a city embodying Canada’s homeless and drug abuse problems instead went to putting on two weeks of fun games played on ice and snow. On the other hand, as a result of this endowment we soon were introduced to the greatest mascot who ever was:
MukMuk the Marmot. Say the name out loud. It’s ridiculous, but you can’t help but smile. Sorry Downtown Eastside. Instead of having help in the form of shelter and social services, we hope you enjoy the additional arrests and the legal ability of police to force you places you don’t necessarily want to be!
#6 - 2009Our most recent year and final of the 00’s was like the Grim Reaper’s blood-encrusted scythe. But only if you were a celebrity. Yes, many more non-famous people died, but celebrities are like, you or me times one million, right? So when
Michael Jackson,
Farrah Fawcett,
Patrick Swayze and most recently
Brittany Murphy all go down in a single year, it’s like the bubonic plague happening all over again. In less gruesome news, extensive
CNN coverage of said deaths sets off a groundswell of support for the campaign to rename the channel from “Cable News Network” to “Constantly Needing Natter”. Okay, we just made that up, but COME ON guys. This year: a complete wash.
#7 - 2008This is the year that everyone started saying the economic structure of the world around us was crumbling at a terrifying rate, and we learned from the pre-recorded voice representing our credit card company, almost daily, that this was in fact correct. At least
Barack Obama defeated his Republican counterpart
John McCain in the 2008 U.S. Election to become the first African-American(ish) President in that nation’s history, because things finally started looking up for everyone. What’s that? You say instead of looking up, the world actually remained in the darkest depression it has recently known? Wow, 2008 sucked.
#8 - 2006This is the year Canada went Conservative, thanks to
Stephen Harper defeating Liberal
Paul Martin in the 2006 Federal Election. Harper and his unrelenting horde of soft blue sweaters immediately give off the impression he’s that one dad who would call your parents when he discovers you’ve written on his daughter’s arm with a sharpie in class because he’s “concerned” that you’re “taking her down the wrong path.” And because of that reason alone, aside from “because we can”, we’re ranking this year third from the bottom on our list.
#9 - 2000For all of the new millennia we’ve been around to celebrate, 12:01 a.m. on January 1st, 2000 was far and away the most disappointing. Some crazy motherfuckers hid under their houses, a bunch of tweens got alcohol poisoning, and oh yeah, we weren’t obliterated by nuclear warhead controlling computers that couldn’t handle four digits changing simultaneously. In some ways this was the biggest disappointment of all, but because nobody exploded we’ll rank 2000 where it belongs – in the second to last spot. Otherwise known as the one nobody remembers.
#10 - 2001 Let's face it. This was the shittiest year of the decade. On September 11, North America collectively freaked when it realized it was no longer invincible, and
Sarah Silverman discovered that the soy chai latte was like, 900 calories (because you hear soy and you think “healthy,” right?) But it was also the day America was attacked, setting into motion years of additional consumer spending on “travel-sized” toiletries at airports while heads of the toothpaste, shaving cream and hand lotion industries met in their secret evil lair to congratulate
Bin Laden on a job well done. Good job, assholes.
